Breaking Free: A Christian Guide to Navigating Controlling Relationships

Are you feeling stifled, manipulated, or constantly walking on eggshells in a relationship? As Christians, we are called to live in peace, but that peace should never come at the cost of tolerating manipulation and control. Recognizing the signs of a controlling person and responding with biblical wisdom is essential for our spiritual and emotional well-being.

Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge the Control

The first and most crucial step is to honestly assess your situation. Are you being controlled? Ask yourself if the person is leading me to accomplish their will or desires or is the person leading and guiding me to accomplish the will and desire of God. This can be a difficult truth to face, especially if the controller is a loved one. However, keeping peace does not mean tolerating manipulation or allowing someone to lead you away from God. True peace comes from a righteous heart and healthy relationships.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” (James 3:17)
• “Walk in wisdom toward outsiders, making the best use of the time.” (Colossians 4:5)

Step 2: Establish and Uphold Godly Boundaries

Once you determine you are being lead away from God, establishing clear and firm boundaries is crucial. This isn’t about being unkind; it’s about safeguarding your spiritual and mental health. Here are key aspects of setting boundaries:

Insist on Truth-Telling

Controlling individuals often twist facts to fit their life experiences, they will also lie, and   gaslight to maintain their power. You should insist on honesty and do not allow yourself to be drawn into their deceptive narratives. Truth ultimately points to God, who is the essence and the author of Truth.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another.” (Ephesians 4:25)
• “The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” (Proverbs 12:22)

Refuse False Guilt and Reject Responsibility for Their Mistakes

Controllers are masters of making you feel guilty for things that are not your fault. They will blame you for their actions or reactions insisting that you caused them to “do it”. Remember that you are only responsible for your own choices and actions.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “For everyone will bear his own burden.” (Galatians 6:5)
• “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)

Find Your Sufficiency in Christ

A controlling person may try to diminish your self-worth or make you believe you cannot function without them. Your sufficiency, worth, and identity come solely from Christ. Remember not only who you are but whose you are.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God.” (2 Corinthians 3:5)
• “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13)

Stand Up to Their Demands

Controlling people often make unreasonable demands. While challenging, it’s vital to stand firm and refuse to comply with demands that violate your morality or God’s word.

Step 3: Confront with Spiritual Strength and Rational Thinking

Confronting a controller requires immense spiritual strength and a commitment to rational thinking, rather than emotional reaction.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour. Resist him, firm in your faith…” (1 Peter 5:8-9)
• “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.” (Ecclesiastes 7:9)

Avoid Direct “Fighting Back”

Directly “fighting back” in the same combative spirit often fuels the controller. Instead, it takes spiritual fortitude, patience, and a steadfast reliance on God to stand your ground and articulate your boundaries calmly and clearly. Do not be swayed by their rhetoric but defer to truth and sound judgment.

Step 4: Understand Their Power (or Lack Thereof) and Prepare for Next Steps

It’s crucial to understand that controlling people often have no real power to force your compliance. They rely on manipulation, emotional blackmail, and threats.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” (2 Timothy 1:7)

Contact Authorities if Violence is Threatened

If a controller resorts to threats of violence, it is imperative to take those threats seriously and contact appropriate authorities immediately. Your safety is paramount.

Ultimate Freedom: Controlled Only by the Holy Spirit

Ultimately, Christians should remember that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love, and a sound mind. The only one who should truly control us is the Holy Spirit, guiding us into all truth and righteousness.

Scriptural Reflection:

• “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” (John 14:26)
• “For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.” (Romans 8:14)

Enduring a controlling relationship is a journey that requires courage, faith, and adherence to biblical principles. Trust in God’s power to guide you to freedom and peace.